Someone saw this pottery and thought “This, THIS is the problem in my relationship!!”
Episode 6: In which a couple’s fight somehow escalates into smashing ancient pottery, which presumably should be a first for their therapist.
This episode of Real Housewives of Mt. Olympus brought to you by the latest archaeological news on SmithsonianMagazine.com – and by CLAS-C 205 Classical Mythology.
THETIS, SEA-NYMPH AND MOTHER OF ACHILLES (bursting into room with EOS, GODDESS OF DAWN AND MOTHER OF MEMNON in tow): Did you see what happened at the Dallas Museum of Art? Some mortal couple had an argument, and the man reacted by breaking into the museum and smashing a whole bunch of ancient pottery!
EOS: Including a pot depicting the epic battle of our sons!
THETIS: We want to start a war and burn Dallas to the ground!
ATHENA, GODDESS OF WISDOM AND CRAFTSMANSHIP: Not gonna lie, your reaction makes a lot of sense. I burnt Troy for less, and that city was dedicated to me. But the mortal’s reaction makes no sense at all. Think of all the artistic effort and skill that went into that ceramic masterpiece!
APHRODITE, GODDESS OF LUST AND SEX: I think you totally overreacted with Troy. And I think the mortal’s reaction was super romantic. It sounds like something Ares would do for me. He is the god of war.
ATHENA: No, he’s the god of mindless carnage, so yeah, I guess randomly smashing dinnerware would be on brand for him. Why does everyone forget that I’m the goddess of military arts? Look at how I dress!
Ancient Greece’s Next Top Model
APHRODITE: I’m trying not to. You look worse than Medusa, and she was so ugly she turned people who looked at her to stone. Speaking of brands, it makes sense you put her image on your breastplate, emphasis on the plate, not the breasts.
ATHENA: Well at least I’m wearing something. Why are you always naked?
APHRODITE: Ugh, craftsmanship this, you’re always naked that. You sound like my forge-troll of a husband. You two uggos deserve each other. Why don’t you finally let him out of the friend-zone and get it over with?
When the invention of clothing just doesn’t apply to you.
THETIS: I’d let him out of my friend-zone any day.
ATHENA: Hephaestus is my brother!
APHRODITE: Oh, like that’s ever stopped your family. How are your dad and step-mom related again?
ATHENA: We can’t all be born out of a god’s castrated genitals.
APHRODITE (preening in mirror and giving epic side-eye): No, we most certainly cannot. Don’t you have to go weave something?
ATHENA (putting on helmet, reaching for Aphrodite’s hair): Speaking of weave…
THETIS and EOS: It’s on.
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For more exploits of the Greek gods, and how their myths shaped Ancient Greek and modern societies, enroll in CLAS-C 205 Classical Mythology, coming up Summer I and II 2023 and Fall 2023, and earn GEC credits while you’re at it! Or to explore the myth of Achilles and Memnon and its symbolism of maternal mortality in visual culture, look for CLAS-A 418 Myth and Reality in Classical Art in Fall 2023, no pre-reqs required. While you’re waiting, make sure to check back for more adventures of Athena, Aphrodite, and that OG helicopter-mom, Thetis. Can’t get enough of Ancient Greece and Rome? Earn a Classics Minor in just 15 credits!
