The Memphis morning commute traffic really has been getting out of hand.
Episode 57: In which the Support Group for the Newly Deified hosts Pharaoh Ramses II as a guest speaker, and sheep skulls are a key theme.
This episode of Real Housewives of Mt. Olympus brought to you by the latest archaeological news on SmithsonianMagazine.com – and by CLAS-C 101 Ancient Greek Culture.
[SETTING: Support Group for the Newly Deified]
DIVINE ANTONINUS PIUS, FORMER AND REMARKABLY FORGETTABLE ROMAN EMPEROR: As a special treat for today’s meeting, I’ve invited a member of our community who has spent centuries as a leader in the field of humans becoming gods. Please join me in welcoming Egyptian Pharaoh Ramses II.
ROMULUS, FOUNDER OF ROME AND COMPLETE SOCIOPATH: Never heard of him.
DIVINE HADRIAN, FORMER ROMAN EMPEROR AND PRETENTIOUS WINDBAG: Maybe if you weren’t an ignorant clod raised by shepherds, you’d recognize him by his Greek name, Ozymandias.
Behold the body language of someone trying to hold it together as Zack Snyder, unprompted, completely ruins a character, and an awesome name with it.
ROMULUS: Maybe if you’d spent more time expanding my empire, and less time reading scrolls in Egypt with your boy-toy…
ANTONINUS PIUS: Ahem. Pharaoh, you’ve been worshipped for the last 4,000 years. Can you tell us a little about what that’s been like?
RAMSES II: (expelling dust with every breath) Well, as you may have seen in the mortal news, I’ve acquired a lot of rams’ skulls. Some Romantic poetry, but mostly rams’ skulls.
ALEXANDER THE GREAT (sort of), BRIEFLY FORMER GREEK EMPEROR (sort of) AND CONQUEROR OF THE WORLD (sort of): Hey, I recognize you. My bro Ptolemy and his descendants renovated your temple!
RAMSES II: Yes, they’re the ones who left me all of the rams skulls. Over 2,000 skulls, actually. I don’t know why. That wasn’t really a thing before they started it.
Behold the body language of someone trying to hold it together as peasants, unprompted, offer him thousands of decapitated sheep.
ALEXANDER: It’s obvious. Rams-eez? It’s in your name.
RAMSES II: But…as that hairy one said, the Greeks called me “Ozymandias.”
HADRIAN: My name is Hadrian, not “that hairy one.” But the great Ozymandias is correct, we Greeks would rarely have called him Ramses. And anyway the Greek word for “ram” is krios, so your idea is idiotic on several fronts.
ALEXANDER: Wait, “WE” Greeks? Weren’t you a Roman emperor?
ROMULUS: Ha! As if! Ask him how many people he slaughtered.
HADRIAN: Actually, Athens renamed herself the “City of Hadrian,” in honor of my generosity in restoring the cradle of humanistic thought. If that doesn’t qualify me as Greek, I’m not sure what would.
ALEXANDER: I thought having being conquered by me was what made someone Greek.
RAMSES II: I’d like to go home now…
ANTONINUS PIUS: Everyone, this is a rare opportunity to speak to a legend of breaking the mortal bonds…
HERCULES, SON OF ZEUS AND FORMER MORTAL: I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! IS NO ONE GOING TO ASK? WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIS SKIN?
Behold the body language of someone trying to hold it together as he holds a meeting with a reanimated mummy.
(An awkward silence)
RAMSES II: I’ve been mummified. This is how gods look.
HERCULES: What?? Gods don’t look like that!! Where are your abs?
RAMSES II: Right here. Still here. That’s the point.
DIVINE JULIUS CAESAR, FORMER ALMOST-ROMAN-EMPEROR AND ANOTHER COMPLETE SOCIOPATH: That’s it, I’m getting that elaborate box he came in. Even in the afterlife I have to clean up Egypt’s messes.
RAMSES II: It’s called a sarcophagus. Please don’t put me back in there. It’s very dark. I’d rather have the rams heads…
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Want to learn more about how Egypt thrived as part of the Roman Empire? Join us for our Egyptian Economy Lecture (Apr 25). Or to explore how Greeks (including Cleopatra!) ruled Egypt before the Romans stole it, enroll in CLAS-C 101 Ancient Greek Culture, coming up Fall 2023, and earn GEC credits while you’re at it! While you’re waiting, make sure to check back for more sessions of the Support Group of the Newly Deified. Can’t get enough of Ancient Greece and Rome? Earn a Classics Minor in just 15 credits!
