All archaeology ultimately derives from the great question: Who the duck builds a Stonehenge?
Episode 15: In which the architects of the Parthenon and Stonehenge debate the values of their respective monuments, as well as organ meat.
This episode of Real Housewives of Hades (a Mt. Olympus spin-off) brought to you by the latest archaeological news on SmithsonianMagazine.com – and by CLAS-C 101 Ancient Greek Culture.
[SETTING: Underworld Club for Architects]
PHIDIAS, DESIGNER OF THE PARTHENON: Connacht, you seem upset. What’s wrong?
CONNACHT, DESIGNER OF STONEHENGE: Ugh, I was just reading the living newspapers. Another study just came out about my monument.
PHIDIAS: And that’s a bad thing?
CONNACHT: You know what they did a study on? Ancient poop. They analyzed the preserved feces of some of the people who did some renovations, and they figured out those idiots had a bunch of parasites from eating undercooked offal.
Archaeological plans rarely include the locations of bathrooms.
PHIDIAS: What in the world is offal?
CONNACHT: Organ meat.
PHIDIAS: Ew.
CONNACHT: I mean, modern people still have no idea what the purpose of Stonehenge even was! They have no idea I existed! And instead of solving those problems, they’re spending their time figuring out that some idiot workers had parasites. Of course they did! It was prehistoric Britain, everyone had parasites!
PHIDIAS (taking a step back): Do you have parasites?
CONNACHT: Please, like you don’t. It’s not fair. You’re famous, everyone knows your building was a temple to Athena. Just because your society had writing. When you think about it, my accomplishment is more impressive, because I was able to organize everything without writing!
PHIDIAS: I don’t know about that…
CONNACHT: Just you wait, someday I’ll be famous. Someday they’ll realize the amazing purpose behind Stonehenge, and I’ll get the recognition I deserve. Someday someone might even write a song about me.
PHIDIAS: What was the purpose of Stonehenge?
CONNACHT: It was an offal restaurant. Inspired McDonalds.
Once you see the Golden Arches, you can’t unsee them.
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To explore how the ancient Greeks created masterful architecture (but probably also pooped parasites), enroll in CLAS-C 101 Ancient Greek Civilization, coming up Fall 2023, and earn GEC credits while you’re at it! Or to explore the significance of the Parthenon, and how we think we know what we think we know, look for CLAS-A 418 Myth and Reality in Classical Art, also coming in Fall 2023 with no pre-reqs. While you’re waiting, make sure to check back for more adventures of Phidias and Connacht in the Underworld Club for Architects. Can’t get enough of Ancient Greece and Rome? Earn a Classics Minor in just 15 credits!
