Translation: "Congratulations! You have deciphered Linear-B!"
Episode 19: In which Michael Ventris visits Napoleon and Sir Arthur Evans in the Pompous Artifact Hoarders Grove, and throws serious shade about dolphins.
This episode of Real Housewives of Hades (a Mt. Olympus spin-off) brought to you by CLAS-A 301 Classical Archaeology.
[SETTING: Grove of Pompous Artifact Hoarders]
MICHAEL VENTRIS, GENIUS WHO DECIPHERED MYCENAEAN LINEAR-B: Hey, Sir Arthur! I was just passing by your grove and wanted to see if you had heard the latest news about Linear-Elamite.
SIR ARTHUR EVANS, EXCAVATOR OF KNOSSOS AND HOARDER OF LINEAR-B TABLETS: Of course I did. We get the news here. Napoleon and I were just discussing it. Someone has finally deciphered the ancient Iranian script of Linear-Elamite.
NAPOLEON, FRENCH EMPEROR AND HOARDER OF EVERYTHING INCLUDING EUROPE: I deciphered Egyptian hieroglyphs, using the Rosetta Stone.
SIR EVANS: Napoleon, Old Boy, we’ve talked about this. All you did was order the removal of the Rosetta Stone to France when you fled Egypt. Fleeing the British, you may recall.
NAPOLEON: I remember that differently.
Early attempts at turning the Rosetta Stone into a touchscreen were not successful.
SIR EVANS: I believe this recent discovery takes some shine off of your accomplishments, Ventris. After all, the scholars were able to do most of their work from several jugs, not the thousands of tablets you had access to.
VENTRIS: Really. That’s your takeaway. I thought you might recognize that Linear-Elamite could have been deciphered a long time ago, if the critical bilingual silver jugs had been available to scholars, rather than secreted in private collections. Much like I made so much progress when you finally died and they released all the Linear-B tablets you were hoarding.
NAPOLEON: I invented the French language. And the script.
SIR EVANS: I had to keep the tablets! Scholars were starting to suggest that Linear-B was a Mycenaean accomplishment. Which was ridiculous. Those warrior savages couldn’t possibly have conquered my sophisticated, peaceful Minoans.
VENTRIS: What are you even talking about? Mycenaeans did conquer the Minoans. Linear-B was a Mycenaean accomplishment, and it recorded their language, which was Greek. As I discovered through years of hard work. Also, there is no evidence the Minoans were more peaceful than anyone else.
NAPOLEON: I invented the Mycenaeans.
SIR EVANS: Stuff and nonsense! Only a truly peaceful society would have esteemed the majestic, peaceful dolphins like the Minoans did!
VENTRIS: First of all, dolphins are terribly violent animals. Second, your crew essentially added the dolphin frescos to Knossos. You made that aspect of their society up from practically nothing!
When “Conservation Mad-Libs” goes wrong and ends up with dolphin worship.
NAPOLEON: You really did invent the Minoans? Respect.
VENTRIS: I’m out of here. You two enjoy your hoarding tendencies. Some of us have real scholarship to do (walks away).
HEINRICH SCHLIEMANN, 19TH-CENTURY BUSINESSMAN AND NOTORIOUS LOOTER: Hey guys. Was that Ventris? He’s so cool. Did he mention me? Maybe he can hang out with Agamemnon and me sometime. I discovered Mycenae, you know.
SIR EVANS: Ugh, I’m glad I’m not always running after King Minos telling him I excavated his basement. C’mon Napoleon, Old Boy, there’s a lecture later at the Royal Colonizing and Hoarding Society by T.E. Lawrence, of Arabia. We need to get good seats before the popes hog all of them.
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