If your hair's this good, and your eyes this empty, you might be a himbo.
Episode 11: In which Roma and Mars try to invade Minnesota, but Roma learns they do not share a common motivation.
This episode of Real Housewives of Mt. Olympus brought to you by the latest archaeological news on SmithsonianMagazine.com – and by CLAS-A 301 Classical Archaeology.
MARS, ROMAN GOD OF WAR: I want to invade Minnesota.
MINERVA, ROMAN GODDESS OF STRATEGY: You’ve got to be kidding me. First California, now this. What did I say last time?
MARS: That we should try legal warfare. It was a stupid idea.
ROMA, GODDESS OF ROME: This statue we want back proves the point. There have been legal battles in strange places called Germany and Maryland, and still the statue remains far from me. We want to invade Minnesota and take back what is ours from the Minneapolis Museum of Art. We will place the statue in the new museum in my city to display the spoils of our battles.
MINERVA: Why do you want this statue in particular?
MARS: We realize it exists now. 90% of the time that’s the only reason we gods get interested in anything.
ROMA (glaring): Actually, this is a particularly important sculpture. It is a Roman replica of a famous statue called the Spear-bearer, originally cast in bronze by the great artist Polykleitos. It is an example of the perfectly proportioned man.
Along with democracy and the theater, Ancient Greeks also invented the runway strut.
MINERVA: Wait a second, is everyone fighting over this particular statue because it has a super hot bod?
ROMA: No!
MARS: Maybe.
ROMA: What?
MARS: Venus may have asked me to find this particular statue for her. For us. It’s hard keeping the spice in a relationship over millennia. You two virgins wouldn’t understand.
The Black Knight was surprisingly ripped underneath all that armor.
MINERVA: I thought you were just interested because you now knew it existed.
MARS: I said 90% of the time that’s what our motivation is. The other 10% is hanky-panky stuff. I mean, a lot of the 90% is also hanky-panky stuff, but hanky-panky stuff we just discovered. That last 10% is hanky-panky stuff we already knew existed.
MINERVA (muttering): As if I needed another reason to remain forever-virgin…
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Be sure to check in on the continued repatriation adventures of Minerva, Mars, and Roma! To explore the politics of returning artifacts across international borders, look for CLAS-A 301 Classical Archaeology, coming up Fall 2026, no pre-reqs or previous experience required. Or for more exploits of the Roman gods, and how their myths shaped Ancient Greek and modern societies, enroll in CLAS-C 205 Classical Mythology, coming up Spring 2025, and earn GEC credits while you’re at it! Can’t get enough of Ancient Greece and Rome? Earn a Classics Minor in just 15 credits!
