Herakles 13th Labor was getting Cerberus through puppy training.
Episode 80: In which Hades and Persephone discuss a newly discovered (and hilariously bad) painting of Cerberus, and Theseus gets a new job.
This cross-over episode of Real Housewives of Hades (a Mt. Olympus spin-off) and Real Housewives of Mt. Olympus brought to you by the latest archaeological news on Greek Reporter.com– and by CLAS-B 320 Greek Mythology: Heroes.
[SETTING: Breakfast in Hades Palace in the Underworld]
PERSEPHONE, QUEEN OF THE UNDERWORLD AND RELUCTANT WIFE OF HADES: (entering) Can anyone else hear the doorbell up at Cuma? Why am I the only one who ever goes to see who’s there?
HADES, KING OF THE UNDERWORLD AND OVERLY-ENTHUSIASTIC HUSBAND OF PERSEPHONE: Well, I can’t answer the door, I’m the Lord of the Dead. It would be beneath me. Get it? (gestures to THESEUS, KING OF ATHENS AND SLAYER OF THE MINOTAUR and PIRITHOUS, KING OF THE LAPITHS AND ROBIN TO THESEUS’ BATMAN) Have one of these useless mortals do it. The doorbell always turns out to be a questing hero looking to make trouble, anyway. Maybe seeing one of their own kind stuck down here would scare them off. Plus it wouldn’t hurt to have someone else besides the Queen of the Underworld get up and answer the door, for dignity’s sake.
THESEUS: (clearly terrified) Um, it actually would hurt, Sire. Remember, you glued our bums to this bench for all eternity…
HADES: Oh, right. I keep on forgetting you two are still solid. Well, you could just rip yourself off and go get the door regardless. It’s not my fault you’re corporeal.
PIRITHOUS: But wouldn’t we just escape? We’re still alive, and there’s nothing preventing living humans from leaving the Realm of the Dead if they can make it back to a door.
THESEUS: (hissing) Shut UP, idiot!
HADES: Obviously I’d have only one of you go. That way the one who went would have to come back to rescue the other one.
THESEUS: Sure we would…
Come to this underworld often? Let me buy you a cup of ashes to drink.
PERSEPHONE: Actually, I was just curious to know if anyone else could hear the noise. I thought maybe it was just me since I spend so much time around living beings when I’m with my mom. I like answering the door. Gives me a chance to shake the death stench off my robes. Speaking of, guess who that was at the door!
HADES: Was it your annoying cousin?
PERSEPHONE: I assume you mean Herakles, and yes, it was! He wanted to play with Cerberus.
HADES: Is that why he keeps coming around here? Dude’s a god now, you’d think he had something better to do with his time.
PERSEPHONE: I think he just likes dogs. The only dogs on Mt. Olympus belong to Artemis, and they keep on trying to kill him. Speaking of, this time he also wanted to share some mortal news. Archaeologists have found an Etruscan tomb with wall paintings of him and Cerberus! Look!
Etruscan tomb painters sometimes subcontracted out to the local grade school to cut costs.
HADES: (looking at scroll) Wow, that is a terrible rendering of Cerberus. He looks like someone ran over him with a cart and then left him to dry in the sun. Also why is your other cousin Hermes just lurking there?
PERSEPHONE: I think he’s there as the Psychopomps, and he’s what the mortals call photobombing. Photobombing Psychopomps! That’s fun to say. Gods, I’m starved for entertainment. Anyway, this picture must be from the first time Herakles came to visit, when he was doing that massive quest game for his cousin.
HADES: Ugh, the time Herakles figured out he could just come and go here. Now we can’t keep him out. He’s like the annoying neighbor on a sitcom, constantly stopping by whenever the plot demands it.
PERSEPHONE: What’s a sitcom?
HADES: (shrugs) I’m not sure. I read about it in the entertainment section of the last mortal news your mom sent. Not that I enjoyed it.
PERSEPHONE: Sounds like someone else is starved for entertainment.
HADES: I’m not starved for entertainment. I can leave my palace whenever I want.
PERSEPHONE: Sure you can. In fact, why don’t we go on a walk right now?
HADES: Um…I need to stay here and keep an eye on these two.
PERSEPHONE: They’re glued to the bench. They can’t go anywhere. Besides, you’re the Lord of Countless Souls. Who cares if you lose these two?
HADES: Right, but…(pointing at Theseus) this one here is special. He’s…the most important king of Athens, I’ve decided. As important as Herakles!
PERSEPHONE: That seems kind of random. Herakles completed Twelve Labors and became a god. This one wandered down to the Realm of the Dead and became part of the decor. I’m not sure that’s equivalent.
Line drawing of the decoration of a priceless Greek vase, depicting the fabled Athenian hero Theseus…or something that should be banned from a Floridian public school? You decide!
HADES: Well, he must have done something impressive. You, mortal, what did you do that was impressive?
THESEUS: I seduced a young girl into helping me murder her brother.
HADES: Try harder.
THESEUS: Well, her brother had a head of a bull! And he ate people!
PERSEPHONE: I’m pretty sure that’s not how bulls work. And that’s one labor. Herakles had twelve.
THESEUS: I murdered six vagrants one time!
HADES: Promising. Were they impressive vagrants?
THESEUS: (stammering) Um, sure! One of them would…force people to wash his feet…and, um…when they did he’d kick them off a cliff! Where a…giant sea turtle would eat them! Sure!
PERSEPHONE: Now I don’t think you know how anything works.
HADES: Whatever, it’s good enough. This one’s the hero of Athens now. I should keep an eye on him until you go and get someone to watch him.
PERSEPHONE: (rising to go) Fine. I’ll try to track down a Fury and see if they’ll watch him. I don’t know if they only do kin-slayers.
PIRITHOUS: Theseus killed his father! Accidentally and indirectly, but still!
THESEUS: (hissing) Shut UP, idiot!
PIRITHOUS: Whatever, I want a chance to be king of something cool too. A bunch of centaur-bros got drunk at my wedding and got into a fight with my guests. Does that count?
HADES: What a deeply stupid story. No, it does not count. There’s no way that story will become popular.
This Parthenon metope, now in the British Museum, illustrates the centaurs’ legendary mode of attack: the noogie.
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To learn more about the insane qualifications of what made a Greek hero, enroll in our new 1-credit “appetizer” course CLAS-B 320 Greek Mythology: Heroes, coming in the second-third of Spring 2025 with no pre-reqs! Or to learn more about how crazy the Ancient Greek gods were, join us in CLAS-C 205 Classical Mythology, also coming up Spring 2025, and earn GEC credits while you’re at it!. While you’re waiting, make sure to check back for more adventures of Hades and Persephone. Can’t get enough of Ancient Greece and Rome? Earn a Classics Minor in just 15 credits!
