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If your painting is constantly making this face, maybe it’s not happy to be here.

Episode 28: In which Italy asks the Metropolitan Museum of Art for their artifacts back, and Mars asks Minerva for relationship support.

This episode of Real Housewives of Mt. Olympus brought to you by the latest archaeological news on – and by CLAS-A 301 Classical Archaeology.

MARS, ROMAN GOD OF WAR: Minerva, we have a problem. Did you hear that the mortal authorities seized dozens of artifacts from a place called New York and are returning them to Rome and Egypt?

MINERVA, ROMAN GODDESS OF STRATEGY: That all sounds suspiciously correct and informed. Why are you either of those things?

ROMA, GODDESS OF ROME: Even better, they are going to hold “repatriation ceremonies,” large parties to celebrate the return of the artifacts. Just like the triumphs of old, when my generals would bring all the stolen treasure back into my city!

MINERVA: You do realize those situations are not analogous. You stole the treasure in triumphs, now this is treasure stolen from you.

ROMA: All treasure is mine and you are pedantic.

In case the Ceremony Planning Committee is looking for ideas.

MARS: Can we focus on my problem here? Since there’s going to be parties for Rome and Egypt, I want to ask Isis to go with me as my date.

MINERVA: Wait, that weird Egyptian goddess? You’re into her?

MARS: She’s a powerful woman with crazy-eyes and a bouquet of penises. Of course I’m into her.

MINERVA: So ask her out. Isn’t her husband Osiris out of the picture and trapped in the Underworld in a bunch of pieces? Or is that her brother?

MARS: The problem is Venus. If I ask another woman out, she’ll go ballistic. And she terrifies me.

Yes, she is about to beat that satyr with her slipper, and no, this is not a lady you want to mess with.

MINERVA: Her husband is definitely alive, and definitely your brother. You both should realize she’s not the best romantic partner for you.

MARS: We’re talking about a woman who started a decade-long war that slaughtered thousands because she didn’t care who was already married or not. She once killed a mortal mother, just to set in motion the murder of a prince because he didn’t like her as much as Artemis.

ROMA: I don’t follow the logic of that last one.

MARS: The point is, if I ask Isis out, I’ll be letting loose the dogs of relationship hell. That’s where you come in.

MINERVA: Why are you asking me and Roma about this? We’re both militant virgins. We’re not the best source of relationship advice.

MARS: What? No, I’m not asking your advice. I’m totally going to do this anyway. That’s the Mt. Olympus way. I’m asking you for military backup.

MINERVA (putting on helmet, reaching for her spear): A chance to fight Venus again? Absolutely.

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Be sure to check in on the continued repatriation adventures of Minerva, Mars, and Roma. To explore the politics of returning artifacts across international borders, enroll in CLAS-A 301 Classical Archaeology, coming next Fall 2024, no pre-reqs or previous experience required. Or for more exploits of the Roman gods, and how their myths shaped Ancient and modern societies, enroll in CLAS-C 102 Ancient Roman Culture, coming up Spring 2023, and earn GEC credits while you’re at it!.Can’t get enough of Ancient Greece and Rome? Earn a Classics Minor in just 15 credits!