Scroll and Tablet Blog

Early elements of Ancient Greek glam bands included animal theatrics, elaborate hair, and tacky tortoiseshell instruments.

Episode 2: In which Apollo and Hermes debate the virtues of making music with tortoise corpses, and get in a fight over cows. Again.

This episode of Real Housewives of Mt. Olympus brought to you by the latest archaeological news on – and by CLAS-C 205 Classical Mythology.

APOLLO, GOD OF HIGHER LEARNING AND MUSIC: Hey Hermes, remember that time you stole all my cattle? Literally hours after you were born?

HERMES, GOD OF LOWER LEARNING AND GENERAL PAIN IN THE….: Hahaha yeah, bro, that was epic.

APOLLO: And remember how, before you did that, you gutted a tortoise and strung it with its own internal organs to make a lyre, like you were a pint-sized Jack the Ripper?

HERMES: You loved it.

APOLLO: Well, archaeologists just found the remains of a pregnant tortoise in the new excavations at Pompeii. The poor thing had hidden itself away in an earthquake-wrecked building to try to find a peaceful place to lay her little eggs. And then she was buried in a volcanic eruption. Now how do you feel about being the world’s most famous tortoise slayer?

I’m sorry, the correct answer is “pregnant tortoise.” Better luck next time on Pompeii Preservation Mad-Libs.

HERMES: Not gonna lie, I think that tortoise’s terrible luck is hilarious, and you do too. We’re Greek gods, we’re all sociopathic. Also you can get off your high-and-mighty chariot about that whole lyre thing. You traded me the cattle for it and now you’re the one running around calling yourself the god of music and using it as your symbol.

APOLLO: I’m telling Dad.

HERMES: That’s what you did when I stole your cattle.

Share on Twitter, or Instagram, or really wherever you want.

For more exploits of the Greek gods, and how their myths shaped Ancient Greek and modern societies, enroll in CLAS-C 205 Classical Mythology, coming up Summer I and II and Fall 2023, and earn GEC credits while you’re at it! Or for more adventures with Pompeii, enroll in our 1-credit “appetizer” course CLAS-B 312 Plague, Disasters, and Death in the Ancient World, coming up in Fall 2023 with no pre-reqs, and learn about the most famous disaster of the Classical World. While you’re waiting, make sure to check back for more sibling / knowledge rivalry between Apollo and Hermes. Can’t get enough of Ancient Greece and Rome? Earn a Classics Minor in just 15 credits!