The public initially disapproved of the Mad Hatter’s marriage to a BeDazzler, but everyone agreed the resulting child was lovely.
Episode 30: In which Roma confuses her Victorias, Mars tries to invade India, and Britannia gets insulted as an empire.
This episode of Real Housewives of Mt. Olympus brought to you by the latest repatriation news on CNN.com – and by CLAS-A 301 Classical Archaeology.
ROMA, GODDESS OF ROME (entering with VICTORIA, GODDESS OF VICTORY and BRITANNIA, GODDESS OF THE PROVINCE OF BRITAIN): Minerva, Mars: my fellow personifications and I seek your assistance. Many centuries ago Victoria obtained a large gem called the Koh-i-Noor, and brought it in triumph to Britannia. Now the queen in Britannia is dead, and the mortals are calling for the diamond’s return to a land called India. We must defend our borders.
MARS, ROMAN GOD OF WAR: I understood almost none of that, but I’m here for it. Let’s invade India.
MINERVA, ROMAN GODDESS OF STRATEGY: Whoa, hold up. When did this all happen? None of this sounds familiar.
MARS, ROMAN GOD OF WAR: Isn’t India that place with panthers Bacchus is always going on about? Kid gets drunk and conquers one region, and he won’t shut up about it.
No one involved in this stopped and said, “Maybe this is a bit much.”
VICTORIA: Honestly, I don’t remember any of this. The mortal news says I wore the gem as a broach? That doesn’t sound like my style. Maybe I was hanging out too much with Bacchus at the time.
MINERVA: (skimming papyrus scroll) Ok, none of this has anything to do with us. There was a mortal queen named Victoria in the 19th century. She took the diamond, which is apparently a big shiny rock. Now it’s in some sort of crown, and the mortals in India want it back because it symbolizes their territory’s conquest by Britannia’s empire.
ROMA: Britannia’s empire is my empire, so let us prepare to defend our borders! I like Mars’ idea of aggressive peremptory invading.
MINERVA: Actually, it appears that when this all happened, Britannia was an independent empire. Pretty big one too.
No one involved in this stopped and said, “Maybe this is a bit much.”
ROMA: (laughing hysterically) Wait, Britannia had an empire? That pathetic little ocean rock invaded something?
BRITANNIA: I’m right here.
ROMA: She was conquered by the emperor Claudius! A guy who came to power as a victim in an epic bullying incident! How pathetic!
BRITANNIA: Right. Here.
ROMA: We were able to construct a wall across the entire island! As a team-building exercise for the army!
BRITANNIA: That’s it! Let’s settle this the Roman way. Last goddess standing gets the world.
MINERVA (putting on helmet, reaching for her spear): Let’s do this thing.
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Be sure to check in on the continued repatriation adventures of Minerva, Mars, and Roma. To explore the politics of returning artifacts across international borders, enroll in CLAS-A 301 Classical Archaeology, coming Fall 2026, no pre-reqs or previous experience required. Or for more exploits of the Roman gods, and how their myths shaped ancient and modern societies, enroll in CLAS-C 102 Ancient Roman Culture, coming up Spring 2025, and earn GEC credits while you’re at it! Can’t get enough of Ancient Greece and Rome? Earn a Classics Minor in just 15 credits!
