Early elements of Ancient Greek glam bands included animal theatrics, elaborate hair, and tacky tortoiseshell instruments.

APOLLO, GOD OF HIGHER LEARNING AND MUSIC: Hey Hermes, remember that time you stole all my cattle? Literally hours after you were born?

HERMES, GOD OF LOWER LEARNING AND GENERAL PAIN IN THE….: Hahaha yeah, bro, that was epic.

APOLLO: And remember how, before you did that, you gutted a tortoise and strung it with its own internal organs to make a lyre, like you were a pint-sized Jack the Ripper?

HERMES: You loved it.

APOLLO: Well, archaeologists just found the remains of a pregnant tortoise in the new excavations at Pompeii. The poor thing had hidden itself away in an earthquake-wrecked building to try to find a peaceful place to lay her little eggs. And then she was buried in a volcanic eruption. Now how do you feel about being the world’s most famous tortoise slayer?

I’m sorry, the correct answer is “pregnant tortoise.” Better luck next time on “Pompeii Preservation Mad-Libs.”

HERMES: Not gonna lie, I think that tortoise’s terrible luck is hilarious, and you do too. We’re Greek gods, we’re all sociopathic. Also you can get off your high-and-mighty chariot about that whole lyre thing. You traded me the cattle for it and now you’re the one running around calling yourself the god of music and using it as your symbol.

APOLLO: I’m telling Dad.

HERMES: That’s what you did when I stole your cattle.

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