If Pompeii really wanted to cut down on the tourist problem, they could use the ancient technique of a welcome mat, featuring a friendly “Have!” and the threat of a wounded bear.
Episode 81: In which Vulcan and Venus try to square Pompeii’s new ticketing restrictions with its new high-speed train, and get confused.
This episode of Real Housewives of Mt. Olympus brought to you by the latest archaeological news on CNN.com – and by CLAS-C 419 Art and Archaeology of Pompeii.
VULCAN, GOD OF METALWORKING AND HUSBAND OF VENUS (returning home, throwing tools on kline): Great news today! The mortals who take care of Pompeii have finally announced they’re going to do something about the over-population of tourists that swamp the site every year.
VENUS, GODDESS OF SEXUAL DESIRE AND REALLY RELUCTANT WIFE OF VULCAN: They’re going to kill all the tourists?
VULCAN: What? No! They’re going to limit the number of site tickets they sell for each month.
VENUS: Like that’s going to work. Mass murder would be a more effective deterrent. That’s what your brother would do.
VULCAN: Yeah, well, my brother is a bloodthirsty sociopath, so maybe we don’t need to ask “What Would Mars Do” all the time.
VENUS: (tapping chin thoughtfully) And yet…who was the last god to kill all the mortals in Pompeii by burying them under a volcanic eruption?
VULCAN: That was an accident!
When Olympus does oops.
VENUS: Right. Also, killing people is Mars’ job. So if he does it, he’s efficient, but if you do it, you’re just…what was the word? clumsy? Sociopathic?
VULCAN: Killing is not Mars’ job, it’s his hobby. I’m the only Olympian with an actual job, filling the constant orders for weapons my family keeps on demanding so they can kill people. So forgive me for being excited when the commute to that job is slated to get a little easier.
VENUS: Speaking of commutes and you complaining, didn’t they just put in that new high-speed train to bring more tourists in from Rome to Pompeii?
Because historically the mix of trains and tourists at Pompeii has protected the site so well.
VULCAN: Yes, why?
VENUS: So the mortals built a train to increase the number of tourists to the same site where they are now seeking to decrease the number of tourists. That sounds like something I would demand mortals do. Remember what I did to Hippolytus?
VULCAN: Was that another one of your mortal lovers? Because if so I really don’t want to hear what you did to him.
VENUS: Ew, as if. No, Hippolytus chose Diana and her silly virginity over me, so I ruined the lives of everyone within a five miles radius of him. It’s not my fault that logically you can’t be devoted to virginity and sexuality at the same time. That’s for the mortals to figure out. Anyway, I’ve decided. This tourism-train debacle must be the mortals’ attempts to get back in my favor. I accept their offering. I am Pompeii’s patron goddess, after all.
VULCAN: You think a confusing tourism management plan at a UNESCO World Heritage Site is a religious offering to an ancient sex goddess in exchange for protection?
VENUS: Do the mortals have a better answer to your accidental-smiting-via-Vesuvius tendencies?
VULCAN: Um…a train?
Although awkward for evacuations, ”tourist transport by tandem sedan chair” admittedly limited the influx of site visitors.
VENUS: I rest my case, and I’ve already forgotten what it was.
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To learn about more about the ongoing (and often mystifying) battle between preservation and tourism at Pompeii, enroll in CLAS-C 419 Art and Archaeology of Pompeii, coming Spring 2025 with no pre-reqs! Or look for our 1-credit “appetizer” course CLAS-B 312 Plague, Disasters, and Death in the Ancient World, coming up Fall 2026 also with no pre-reqs. If online is more your style, join us for CLAS-C 321 Classical Myth and Culture in Theater and Film in Spring 2025 to see how Hollywood has sold the public on Pompeii since the dawn of movies (and to read the Greek play Hippolytus, it’s really fantastic)! While you’re waiting, make sure to check back for the continued “Three’s Company” relationships of Venus, Vulcan, and Mars. Can’t get enough of Ancient Greece and Rome? Earn a Classics Minor in just 15 credits!
